On your mark, GET SET...

Confession:  For the past 4 weeks when I go to the doctor I go READY to GO.  What is ready to go?  My hospital bags are in the car, my glasses are in my purse along with an empty contact case, the camera batteries are fully charged and packed, the bed is made, the cats are given extra dry food, the house is clean, the dishes are put away.  Ready to GO.

Controlling that piece of it made me feel "better" but not today my friends.  Today I've decided I'm living on the edge (cue Aerosmith video and am I the only one that didn't remember that S. Tyler grabbed his naked crotch at the beginning of this video?).  This doesn't mean that all those things aren't done...most of them are....I didn't lose my mind after all and I'm still technically crazy.  I didn't pack my glasses or contact case, or charge the camera batteries (I packed the charger), and I didn't leave extra food for the cats (I left a key hidden for Pocklock if necessary).  I know, edgy, right?  

Observation: The NYSEG truck has just driven around our cul-de-sac for the fourth time.  Interesting that energy consumption isn't top of mind for him.

And What if you're still pregnant?  You ask.  How will you keep yourself from breaking down into a heap of tissue when you get in the parking lot like you have the three previous visits?  I have stuff to do.  Like download the new Sugarland CD, the Counting Crows CD, Listen to more of Brooke Fraiser to see if it's worth the buy and I'm going to make some more pickles because those turned out REALLY yummy - this time I'm making dill.  I've got some stuff to do to help out the FH which is actually interesting as opposed to annoying so I will actually do that without procrastinating.  I'm making chicken salad for dinner tonight with fresh potato chips and ice cream sundaes with strawberry sauce for dessert.  I also have a LOT of work to do on the DVR and sitcoms to find to record (hello, who doesn't want to watch Wings while they are breastfeeding?  Joe Hackett = HOT).  So if it's not today Lexi that's okay.  I've got stuff going on to you know....

The Thrill of Running Red Lights

I've been holding out on you all regarding a touchy subject lately. The FH was supposed to travel this week. We'd been disagreeing about if it was appropriate for him to go....he really needed to go for work - being a business owner means that your shoes aren't really fillable by someone else - especially when you don't have employees that do an even similar role. He had decided not to go because that was the right thing to do and for once in my life I admitted that I needed him....that I was too afraid to be alone. I'm not a big "needer". I like to think I'm pretty independent so this got some attnetion. The decision was not an easy one for him though and he wasn't exactly "happy go lucky" the past few days because really she could hold out on us for another week and he would have lost this opportunity.

Yesterday was a great day for me - I had some Chicken & Brocoli for dinner and after having the same "get over not being there" conversation with the FH I decided it was bedtime around 9. I have a very active child - she participates in the Womb olympics every single evening between 7-10:30 - it's not a sporatic kick here and there - it's constant movement and spinning and stretching for those hours....I'm not even exaggerating. So when I went up to bed around 9ish and I was laying down I had a huge heart drop when I realized that I hadn't felt Lexi move. I hadn't felt her move in a while....like hours...and I felt sick to my stomach because I was so distracted by other things that I didn't realize my Olympian wasn't training. So I get quiet, drink some water and lay down on the bed and I start to push around the belly and try to count kicks - for 40 minutes. Nada. Not a kick to count so I call the FH upstairs kind of frantic. I explain to him why I'm freaking out and he says - We're calling the doctor.

So we come downstairs and I look up in the books and every one says 2 hours 10 kicks or more....well it's been about 80 minutes at that point with nothing. So I'm freaking out in my head. While the service is reaching our stand in doctor (ours is on vaca this week - so typical) my head goes where it shouldn't go and the "what if's" start to flow. Oh Lord I am a champion What If'er I can take you to world exterminiation in the inside of 3 What If's. The doctor said come on in to get monitored.

So we get in the car and the FH drives us to the hospital and that's where he has the thrill of running red lights...apparently this is every man's dream...not the situation but the ability to run lights and speed without any fear. But really the FH was just as afraid as I was and tears were in his eyes too because THIS is our little girl and she HAS to be alright HAS TO BE. The FH was a rock - he was calm and supportive and was not freaking out - and I was so right to need him. I don't know how I would have done it without him....and I am SO grateful I didn't have to try.

They hook us up to the monitors when we get there and the nurse Malorie is seriously the most amazing person ever and we will be picking out a special little something to send to her. The heart rate is low for Lexi- she's at about 120 which is on the low end of normal but much lower then her normal of 158. In my entire life I have never been so relieved, thrilled, excited to hear a heartbeat....I seriously felt years flying off of my life as I realized that she was okay. So they move me all around and around 12:50 she starts to move - the training session for the evening was just on a rain delay and the nurses got to see why no moving freaked me out when this kid usually is doing back flips and cartwheels.

We still had to wait around the hospital for an ultrasound and the FH went to fill out some paperwork while I was chilling - he came back upstairs and said he went to the emergency room and there was a Gun Shot Would which I found SO exciting and asked if there was lots of blood and he said "tons" and then 20 minutes later when I pressed for more details he looked at me like I had three eyes - apparently White Plains isn't quite so dangerous and his GSW was thick with sarcasm. LOL that got me to laugh for the first time that night. We finally got out of the hospital around 3 and back home around 3:30. Going back to the doctor on Thursday morning - all is fine and Thank god for that.

CopyCat

So many people did this today and I loved it. Go to Wordle.net to do your own. Here's mine:I love it. I really really love it.

You got a little something on your face

My boredom is probably well recognized at this point, yes? Today I made Jam and Pickles. No, I'm not kidding and Yes, you can call me Donna Reed.

Want to read about making JAM? You know you do. Go visit Chop.Stir.Mix and when you see me and if I have a little red something on my face you'll know it's this Jam and you'll give me a pass.

Terrificly Random Tuesday

• I'm not sleeping well and yet somehow I still dream for what seems like hours and hours. Last nights dream was SO hilarious (apply sarcasim like thick buttercream frosting on freshly baked cupcakes) I went to the doctor and the lady slide the scale to 250 and then it STAYED there and the nurse said: You've gained about 60 l-b-s's in the past week; do you know what this means? And I say sobbing that I shouldn't have made cupcakes and she says "No, you're other baby showed up" and then I go into a serious freak out because I am only ready for ONE baby not TWO babies and that's when my water breaks and I realize I'm screwed.
  
• After HOURS of hunting and 7 different stores yesterday I found Ball canning jars and today I will be making strawberry jam and pickles. Yes, it's come to this. Did you know that in Indiana the Ball canning people founded Ball State University and that there are mansions on the grounds of the university that are INCREDIBLE. One fourth of July I had the pleasure of spending the day at one of these places with my very oldest friend Dani. What a fantastic time that was. For those of you that know me this was before Vincent.
• Okay you've probably seen this video about Christian the Lion and being reunited with the people that raised him but can I just say that my pregnant self cried and cried and cried at this video because the lion remembered them and how loved they must have felt in that moment.
• Most passive aggressive use of the DVR ever took place last Thursday night. The only show that I'm actually amused by lately is My Boys on TBS and the FH stopped the recording of this show at the 10 minute point because he was "frustrated" to see the red light on the DVR box. This is where you do the Scooby Doo head shake because this my friends, not smart. He's still breathing because it wasn't a new episode.

The Great Wait of 08

Baby Lexi does not want to get out.
She's not in a "ready" position - I've made zero progress despite lots of effort. And she's healthy and happy and while I am not happy I too am healthy to continue so continue we will.

So the Great Wait of 08 continues. Thanks for your thoughts.

Torn

I'm going to the doctors at 9am this morning.
The option to induce will be presented.
I'm Torn between wanting her to decide when she's ready and me being done.
Depending on how you look at it she'd either be 6 days late or 4 days early.

I know that whatever I decide will have been the right decision.
I've never been a hugely religious person - spiritual, always...religious, not so much.
Could I be so bold as to ask you to send me good thoughts so that the right decision is the one that I end up making?

I'll keep you posted.

I simply can not do it.

I can not write another post about still being pregnant. I can't do it to you - it's too boring. So lets talk about favorite summer time memory.

I was going through the Flickr photostream and every time I see this photo I just can't help but smile. This little guy is clearly having the very best time of it. He is not thinking about a thing except the joy of his body flinging off of the very big slide and the feeling of the water as all those bubbles come up around him.



I think back to all of my childhood summer memories and I think about the days that Mark and I would ride our bikes from our house to Grandma Janice's house....I don't know how far it was but in our kid minds it was VERY far. The privilege to do this without an adult was a hard win and I remember the first time we started out just the two of us on this ride that we got over the bridge by the park and Mark and I looked at each other and admitted we were very scared to go by the dogs. But we did it and we must have made the bike trip hundreds of times. It was worth it every single time because my Gram had a pool and we'd get off of our bikes and race to jump into the pool that was the best. Gram also had a seemingly endless supply of Popsicles and we were always in the garden picking green beans and peas hot from the summer sun. We'd have jumping contests and races back and forth it was a great time.

What's your favorite childhood summer memory?

Two steps forward and one step back

So I got over feeling awful about still being pregnant. I went to get a massage and enjoyed it very much and then I came home and made a white wine spritzer with frozen peaches in it. Very light on the wine because I really would like to have two of them and I figure if it equates to one glass of wine then it will still be just fine. And then the FH called and said he was having serious "issues" with some computer problem and would not be coming home early with Chinese food to enjoy a nice evening with me. I'm disappointed - because I was looking forward to the time together tonight. Oh well.

On to the work portion of this post - can you check my blogroll over there and drop me a comment if I failed to include you? I tried to update for about an hour tonight but I hate to miss anyone so please please please let me know.

No Progress

If you saw a lady sobbing in the parking lot in Westchester today it might have been me. She has made zero progress. ZERO. Zip. Nada. I broke down in front of the doctor. To the point that she hugged me and teared up with me. How pathetic am I? Pretty damn pathetic.

I'm trying to stay positive and happy and not complain too too much but the reality is I'm so done being pregnant it's not funny. I'm not sleeping and I am READY as in I have NOTHING left to do. NOTHING. I'm starting to get really frustrated that I stopped working when I did....not that I had a lot of choice in the matter...but having no purpose all of these days is just really really painful.

We talked about induction and the doctor said that if Lexi was in the "ready" position then she would induce me but the reality is she's not ready and she's healthy and happy and there is no good reason to put my body or her through that if it's really completely unnecessary. I'm not Christina Aguilera after all and I really truly want the best for my baby and without a C-section if at all possible. So no baby.

I'm going back on Monday. If she's in the ready position they will start the Pitocin to get me going. I'm spent though. Completely burned out. Emotional breakdown in full swing. I go to all kinds of irrational places like "maybe she doesn't think I'll be a good mother and that is why she's not coming" and while I know it's completely irrational my rational self left the building.

The doctor actually apologized for ever putting the July 15th date in my head back at week 20. She didn't want me to be unprepared if things happened early based on the growth she saw that day but now the original date of the 25th is looking more like the date so we should look to that date as our new goal. To this I simply say one simple word: fuck.

So I'm looking for some purpose and some things to do. Reading books is challenging because my attention span is basically shot and I'm not at all interested in pretend characters lives no matter how well the narrative is written. Movies aren't really doing it for me either. I'm going out to lunch and then I'm going to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and brainstorm some purpose building activities to tackle in the upcoming 3 days before my next appointment. Any suggestions?