Can I get a witness?

I have no idea why that line is in my head but it is so I'm going with it.

I had a post up briefly yesterday about the child birth class. After re-reading it in publish status I realized it was... ummmm... well harsh and had a few too many F curses....this is only mildly hilarious because I had a list (insert eye-roll) of posts that I wanted to write while I had time to write and one of them was about how I wanted to stop cursing....I'm no truck driver mind you - but I could make you blush. So I've replaced every instance of the F curse with the word fire truck.

So here's the amended story:
There are two versions of this story. Mine and His. Let's take a look at both for comedic value.

His: That fire trucking class sucked. It was a giant waste of time. You always do this. You PUNISH me and make me participate in this shit - a whole Sunday. Wasted. Gone. Forever. Put this on repeat about 500,000 times and add in 6 more for good measure and that is what I heard.

Mine: I wanted my husband to want to go to the Child Birth Preparedness Class. I wanted him to show excitement about this piece that we could do together. The thing about pregnancy is it's kind of a one person job. Sure, a man can be supportive but at the end of the day it's me that's waking up every hour to pee because the little girl has dropped directly on to my bladder. If the class sucked, at least it would be one thing that we did together that sucked together for this pregnancy.

Pregnancy is not a vacation in Tahiti. You get this amazing gift at the end of it and it all evens out so that you even consider doing it again but Pregnancy is NOT a vacation in Tahiti. And so when I say I've been going through "this" alone doesn't mean that I am psychically or emotionally alone it means that my husband doesn't have a parasite in him changing his moods, his physical appearance or his emotional responses. So yeah I think that entitles me to be a little "unfair".

The FH really truly deeply did not want to attend the class...he's an "active" learner aka sitting in a classroom is like sending a kid with no toys to his room. I knew that he didn't want to go. I didn't care. I wanted him to go and that should have been enough. So we go.

So we go to the class this morning and we're running like five minutes late - which is the kind of thing that triggers my anxiety. I am not late. EVER. I hate lateness. Being late makes me crazy. The FH thrives for lateness. On time is for other people. We get there late and we sit down - honestly this auditorium hasn't seen a fresh coat of paint or chairs since about 1952. Not a comfy hospital auditorium alla Grey's Anatomy or House my friends. Not even freaking close. So we see the instructor and she hands out the materials and she is perfectly nice. And you should know that I'm not a judgemental person.

Except for when I am. Like now. (insert cute giggle) Honestly this person is probably the very best L&D nurse and I'd be very lucky to have her when we go to the hospital but eloquent, funny, appropriate speaker she is not. Have you been to Staten Island? Okay, if you haven't think of EVERY stereotype you've EVER heard about New Yorkers and then pile it on top of one another and put on some bad lipstick. And then there was the slide projector. And honest to goodness these slides were from 1978 and I'm be generous with that date. SLIDES? Seriously SLIDES? I mean I would have killed a power point presentation because that is SO 1998 but SLIDES. SLIDES.

So this is when the FH starts to complain and he is a WORLD class complainer. I try to act all "this isn't so bad" because the truth is I am learning stuff that I didn't know. Like WHEN they will admit me vs when they will send me home and this seems like good information considering we live 35 minutes from the hospital and driving back and forth isn't fun when I'm not in labor and the FH will be driving and sweet jebus that's enough to make me want to pull a bobby pin out of my hair and stab it in my eyeballs. So I am learning. But it sucks. It does suck. I mentioned the slides.

A lot of what makes a classroom suck are the other people in your class. This has been true since Kindergarten. If you have the funny kid in your class it will be much much better then if you say have the girl that asks a LOT of questions (for the record I was at times of my life that girl, hate on haters). So in our class we had two women from Yonkers (pronounced Yaaaaank - errrrrs) that had the MOST outrageous and rediculous questions EVER. Honestly I wanted to throw my copy of What to Expect at her head in hopes that something would fall out of the book and give her a clue. Oh yeah, that judgmental thing...a complete lie. Then we had Indian couple that literally made out and whispered in each others ears the entire time. It made me think that either they have no idea who the other person was 9 months ago and so this is really "new" love or they were never told about the No Drinking policy they institute on us Preggo's. That also applies to getting high. Now the FH was whispering but not sweet nothings my friends...his whispers were mostly curse words littered with "I can't believe ". Then we had a guy that whispered questions to the nurse. And they were like: Will we get a birth certificate? and What is your stance on circumcision? or What am I supposed to do when....?

The only part of the day that I actually WANTED to participate in was the tour. But at 3pm I had enough of fending off the FH's barbs and complaints and decided that this sugar cookie just wasn't worth it. So we left. I feel bad that we left but seriously I had enough - the two year old that lives in my husband wore me down until I was a sobbing mess on the way home because HONEST to GOD WHO behaves like that? Who doesn't GET that this sucks for everyone? WHO doesn't see that I needed us to do something, ANYTHING, just ONE FIRE TRUCKING THING together so that I felt like I was part of a team going into this last couple of weeks? I can tell you who. My flipping husband. That's who.

So my message is this: If your husband doesn't want to go to the class just don't fire trucking bother. It won't be worth it. Go and take the $185 and get a massage and a pedicure and call it done.