If you saw a lady sobbing in the parking lot in Westchester today it might have been me. She has made zero progress. ZERO. Zip. Nada. I broke down in front of the doctor. To the point that she hugged me and teared up with me. How pathetic am I? Pretty damn pathetic.
I'm trying to stay positive and happy and not complain too too much but the reality is I'm so done being pregnant it's not funny. I'm not sleeping and I am READY as in I have NOTHING left to do. NOTHING. I'm starting to get really frustrated that I stopped working when I did....not that I had a lot of choice in the matter...but having no purpose all of these days is just really really painful.
We talked about induction and the doctor said that if Lexi was in the "ready" position then she would induce me but the reality is she's not ready and she's healthy and happy and there is no good reason to put my body or her through that if it's really completely unnecessary. I'm not Christina Aguilera after all and I really truly want the best for my baby and without a C-section if at all possible. So no baby.
I'm going back on Monday. If she's in the ready position they will start the Pitocin to get me going. I'm spent though. Completely burned out. Emotional breakdown in full swing. I go to all kinds of irrational places like "maybe she doesn't think I'll be a good mother and that is why she's not coming" and while I know it's completely irrational my rational self left the building.
The doctor actually apologized for ever putting the July 15th date in my head back at week 20. She didn't want me to be unprepared if things happened early based on the growth she saw that day but now the original date of the 25th is looking more like the date so we should look to that date as our new goal. To this I simply say one simple word: fuck.
So I'm looking for some purpose and some things to do. Reading books is challenging because my attention span is basically shot and I'm not at all interested in pretend characters lives no matter how well the narrative is written. Movies aren't really doing it for me either. I'm going out to lunch and then I'm going to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and brainstorm some purpose building activities to tackle in the upcoming 3 days before my next appointment. Any suggestions?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
No Progress
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14 comments:
You poor thing. I totally know how you're feeling but I'm so proud of you for holding out for the induction for when she is ready. You're doing the best for your baby despite your agony and that is something to be commended for.
I wish we loved closer so I could come and visit with you.
Maybe with this free time you could try new recipes? Cooking always takes up a lot of time and mental energy and you'd still be up and moving. You could always freeze stuff like muffins and such for easy grabbing after baby.
I'm sorry. I wish I had more for you.
Oh Cass, I am sorry you are feelimg down but, (I saw your eye roll at the but part but seriously) you will be okay and all the more happy when she does make her grand appearance! I wish now that I had relaxed more before Ed came because now all I say is how tired I am and that I can't get anything done. We love you and are sending hugs to you and hurry up already vibes to Lexi! Smile- it will all work out.
Aww, you poor thing!
I don't have any good suggestions for you, but just keep thinking positively. :-) This is all going to work out in the end, and you won't even really think about how crappy you felt now while waiting for her.
I say, get out there and enjoy the summertime. Enjoy the pool like you have been, and take lots of those lovely walks you've been going on. Pour yourself into the photography that you love so much.
We're all rooting for Lexi's appearance, so we'll keep our fingers crossed that by Monday she's good 'n ready!
Oh I am so sorry you didn't get any good news. That just sucks. I hope over the weekend the she flips down and is ready to go.
I had a doc appt today too...my hubby stayed home with my daughter so I could go alone. I was alone, in a quiet room (sans pants unfortunately), and still couldn't concentrate on the fluff novel I was trying to read. Attention span is GONE!
Anything I say is going to be crap...sheer and utter crap. There's no sugar coating that this? Sucks. It sucks to be this pregnant when it's this hot and to just want the kid out already. I'm sorry. I can hear the desperation in this post, I can feel how unhappy you are and it makes me sad.
Go get a massage. A mani and a pedi. Have a glass of wine.
Big hugs to you, Cass--
:)
You don't me. In fact I never even saw your blog until this afternoon when my sister-in-law google messaged the link to me and told me that I should go read and comment because man alive have I been there. They got my due date wrong too and well - just another person to say that I really truly do know how you feel. Yes, you know that it is better for the baby to keep her in place for a few more days. Yes, you know that nature will work this out. BUT MAN it sucks doesn't it. What did I do with my week between due date and baby? I worked part of it (I know!!!!) and then I got a mani pedi, took naps, folded onesies over and over, and cried. Nothing I say here is going to make you feel better about now, but I promise that when your Lexi makes her arrival you will forget all about the terrible no good very bad week you just had. Want to read how I handled it - and not very well I might add - http://mccashew.blogspot.com/2007/01/1.html - oh they get much sadder... perhaps some of this might resonate and make you feel a bit less alone in it all? If I could hug you I would!
all of us mommies know how hard those last days are!! don't stress yourself out. she's obviously coming, and will when it's time... like the previous poster said, nothing we can say will make you feel better, but seriously, you are doing a great baby baking job so hang in there!!!
I would have a glass of wine. It's not going to hurt. I have been told that some doctor's recommend it. And, you know what they say gets labor going.....Sex! :)
I'm so sorry you're frustrated and bored.
If you haven't already, I suggest spending some time creating a mix cd of lullabies and other soothing music for Lexi. Then make a second one of more up music to dance her around to.
You'll be glad you did later, when you're desperate for it, and don't have time to make them.
Hang in there! I know exactly how you are feeling. I begged my doctor for an induction with my first but she refused until I was at least a week past my due date. Four days later he came out all on his own and I was so happy.
Lexi will come when she's ready. I know how hard it is to wait but her chances of being perfectly healthy are so much better if you let her come on her own terms.
Suggestions for filling time while you wait...hm. How about some pampering like a massage or pedicure? Maybe some magazines? Those don't require a very large attention span. I know- make your husband take you out to dinner!
I went into labor the night I pigged out on Oreos and Doritos as a late-night snack. Maybe you could try that?! Hang in there!
Oh I'm so sorry. That blows. No sugarcoating it. Ugh.
I spent the two weeks before my first was born basically sitting in my glider, watching crap on tv and trying to relax. I didn't sleep much at all for about 3 months before she was born, so I used the time during the day to "rest".
I do LOVE the idea of making CDs to play in her room once she gets there.
Darn babies. Who gave them an internal clock to listen to? :)
GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!
I stumbled across your blog and this is very exciting that you are on the verge of having a baby. I hope for your sake that she comes very soon!! I love your blog and I hope your baby girl is healthy and beautiful!
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