I'm so Excited.

Can I just tell you that I am handling this SO much better then I thought I would. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm gigantic and exhausted and tired and completely out of control of my life or WHAT but I will tell you this: I am SO excited. I could have up to two weeks here without a person joining this little party. I could have TWO weeks to do WHAT I want to do ALL DAY LONG.

Why was I resisting this? WHY? I just really puzzle myself some times. I had a single e-mail that needed to be sent today and it's sent. I'm doing some clean up work on the computer, filing away e-mails. Archiving. Backing Up. Setting up out of office messages. But seriously. That's it. I have actually NEVER been this free from work responsibility. EVER.

I have a massive list of things I want to do - movies I want to watch in the afternoon, foods I want to cook, markets that are only open during the week that I've never been to, projects that I want to do, walks I want to take. I need this list because even though I'm "free" I do need to feel like a day has a purpose and that SOMETHING is going to happen. Now that I have this list and I am so very excited about it you know what will happen right? I will give birth this weekend. Or maybe not. Maybe this will be my gift from Lexi. Either way I'm totally okay with it. And I'm also okay with not knowing when. I'm okay. And I'm VERY excited.

Two More Days

I'm officially working for two more days. Thursday and Friday. I'm joining some conference calls early next week just to ensure that everything is transitioned but then that's it for me until September. I'm struggling with this a bit. Not being "needed" and not having a "purpose" for those hours everyday is going to be a challenge for me - I've been making a running list of things that I can do - ways that I can mark the days off with something accomplished until this baby girl makes her appearance.

Today I've got some admin stuff to handle but my day is starting off with meeting with a new health insurance provider to pick up August 1st. Their office is on the 7th floor in downtown White Plains and the elevator is out so they offered to meet me at my very favorite Deli/Diner. I came in early to have some breakfast and I'm sitting behind/next to a table with three priests. These guys are having a good time of it too. Growing up Catholic I'm used to the priests - we regularly had our priests over for dinner and my experiences have only been positive...regardless of my difference in opinion on some of the churches views. These priests are HILARIOUS. They are cracking tons of priest jokes and other jokes too...and I've struggled with keeping my giggles to myself. Too funny. There really is nothing like hearing people laugh in the morning to start your day off well. People don't laugh enough.

Can you "the secret" labor?

This is the conversation I have been "intentioning" alla The Secret for the past two weeks. Other people will call this dreaming...some of you may laugh your already have children asses off...to those people I say please please please don't wake me from this illusion.

Scene: Doctors Office on Thursday, June 26th at 11am EST
I walk into the office and get big hello's from the receptionists they walk me directly into the very last room which has the best sonogram machine in it. They hand me the paper gown. I change and moments later the doctor knock knock knocks on the door leaving me NO time to consider the fact that I should have lotioned my legs.

The doctor says "how are you doing" and I say "I'm okay, getting to be pretty uncomfortable". She says "lets see how we're doing" - insert part no one ever thinks about - "well let's take a little look on the sonogram to see how big she's measuring. Oh, yes, she's looking big and healthy. 7lbs 4 oz - I know everyone says those are wrong, but I'm not wrong, I'm right don't listen to all those people that tell you first hand how very wrong these things are." And I say "That's EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, thank you for recognizing that I really only want to hear what I want to hear."

The doctor then says "Why don't you get dressed and come into my office". So I get dressed and I go into her office and she says "You ready? Carseats in? Bags are packed? Pedicure done?" and I say "Have not had time for the pedicure yet but doing it on Friday." and she says "oh good, well you're about 2cm dialated now that could mean nothing but I think we're looking at a baby in the next week so I want you to stay close to home when you're alone. Call me if you start to get regular contractions and if your water breaks call right away. You know where you're going in the hospital? Great. Well I can't wait to meet this little princess, get some rest and if I don't hear from you before I will see you in one week." So I say "Do you think you'll hear from me before?" and she says "Yeah, I have a pretty strong hunch" and as I walk out of the doctors office I see the women from my dream all those months ago that insisted that I was having a baby in June.

Intentionally vague

Have you ever thought you were a part of something? Contributed years of your life? Made excuses, accepted less, made do, worked harder to compensate, because you believed you were part of something bigger? Did you feel like you were a partner? Like your contribution did make things "possible" in some way?

I'm not credit hungry. I'm not a spotlight kind of girl. But when black and white is right in front of me and my role, my contribution is spelled out as "wife, Cass" it's kind of difficult to swallow every sacrifice I've personally made in the word "wife" because I am more then "wife, Cass" and all of a sudden I feel like I've wasted time.

Distraction

We have not heard from the real estate agent yet. I'm working hard to find any distraction available so this is what you get.

My husband has me completely figured out. I know this for sure more then ever now because of this picture. Go ahead click on the link and see just how awful a job he did here. When I load the dishwasher you can fit many many dishes in the dishwasher - entire meals worth even. What is wrong with this picture:
1. the bowls - not only are they on the lower level they are not near each other not nested for the best efficiency
2. the dinner plates - also not nested correctly or even in the same rungs
3. the salad plates - NOT even facing the same DIRECTION
4. this is really rediculous but I always put the silverware in the container a certain way - all the spoons together - all the forks together, knifes, misc...it's anal but there is a method to my madness.
The thing about this that really gets me going is that you aren't fitting much in a dishwasher loaded in this way - in addition putting the dishes away is even MORE time consuming because they are not ORGANIZED. Am I crazy here? Do you have a process to loading your dishwasher?


And honest to goodness doesn't Teddy on the rocking chair just exhaust you. You would have thought I had him pushing the vacuum cleaner all morning and using his paws as scrubbers in the bathtub in the early afternoon. He just loves to snuggle up in any chair and waste the day away. Oh, to be a cat.

For the record. I am not even mildly distracted from the fact that we haven't heard back about an offer on our house.

Monday's Lists

List the first - Still want to do before baby list

• Pedicure
• Hair Colored & Cut
• Make a list of grocery store items we get each week so I can delegate
• Get rid of the rest of the stuff in the basement we don't need
• Life Insurance and Will's - we need to sign this stuff like PRONTO
• New health insurance set up for August 1st

List the second - Things I'm not thinking about today

• How work will get done - it just will, so I'm not thinking about it
• If an offer will come in on our house today as promised
• If that offer will be good
• Where on earth we would live if we get a good offer on our house
• How the FH has to travel for 18 days in the month of July
  
• If the FH will throw another fit about the 8 hour child class on Sunday
• If the baby will come before that class on Sunday and leave me feeling even more clueless and stressed and out of control
• When will this baby come? WHEN? WHENNNNNNNNNN?

List the third - Things I am grateful for

• Baby kicking - she's strong, I know this and it makes me feel better to feel how very strong she is.
• My Mom. This women is getting a VERY large present on my birthday this year because Holy hell I was born August 27th and this was before people HAD central air. Sainthood I tell you.
• The knowledge that no one has been pregnant forever - EVENTUALLY I will not be pregnant anymore.
• I did not marry anyone with the last name Duggar and thus am not expected to do this another 16 times.
• Peanut Butter Captain Crunch
• Sunshine