Lexi's future husband arrived yesterday!

Dear Lexi-

Here's the deal princess, I'm glad that you're making some progress and the doctor was very nice yesterday and almost caused mommy to make a scene by kissing him full on the lips when he told her she was 2-3cm....Mommy loves progress. Mommy is also very impatient. Mommy wants to meet you. So what do you say? Today? Tomorrow? Make it your birthday?

To put you at ease the husband that we fully intend for you to marry arrived last night - go check out Mr. Sawyer. You be nice to his mother - she's an amazing lady and your mommy just loves her so mind your manners. And lets not keep all these nice people waiting much longer.

Love-
Mommy

The one where I'm still pregnant

You know in the movie Father of the Bride II and how Kimberly Williams is all cute pregnant and Franc is there and it's all funny hahaa? I think that movie should be destroyed. What a completely inaccurate depiction of the last weeks are like. Maybe destroyed is not fair - what really should happen is a big red bar should flash on the screen the entire time that says "NOT an accurate dipection of ANY real life event." or maybe Kimberly Williams can do an After school special placement at the end of the movie talking about how this movie is a load of shit and even thought your like 16 when you watched the movie you'll think about it when you're MUCH older and think that it's NOT at all like it was in the movie.

Yesterday I had a couple of hours (3.5 to be exact) where I was having some obvious, semi-regular contractions. I wasn't doubled over in pain but they were painful so I didn't alert the media and I'm glad I didn't because obviously as I'm typing this from my living room it amounted to a handful of nothing. During this stretch of time the FH asked "what do you think?" no less then 15MILLION times and the thing about never having a baby before is I have no flipping clue. I have known for a long long time that not "knowing" any piece of information drives me batty and well this is just the most important thing EVER. So while I've been doing my meditation, relaxing, behaving in very zen ways the following things are still eating at me:

• I do not know when she is coming.
• I do not know where I will be when this happens.
• I won't know if this is another "episode" or if this is "the event" until I "know" and I don't KNOW when I'll KNOW.
• I do not know what any of this feels like so when I'm asked "what does it feel like" it takes a long long time to explain because it's so not like when you stub your toe.

I have a doctors appointment in 100 minutes - yeah I am counting minutes and if she says something like "nothing....see you in a week" I am not sure what I am going to do....here are my initial thoughts on the matter:

Option 1: Pay her off. I will take the check book out of my purse and say "Okay, how much do you want?"
Option 2: Go shopping and throw myself in a vat of something yummy.
Option 3: Try to go for another long walk...the long walk yesterday only amounted to 2 miles in the heat and swelltasticness of it all.
Option 4: Go see a psycic because SOMEONE on this planet must be able to give me a clue.
Option 5: Find myself a pilot who can drag one of those ticker tape things that says "No progress. Leave Cass alone for your own safety."

Bullets to cure Boredom

• My life now consists of capturing what the lawn crew is doing each day in my google calendar so that when I go to the next condo board meeting I can show them just how rediculous it is. On Monday they were here trimming bushes and trees. On Tuesday they were here weed wacking. Today they are mowing and probably blowing...or wait maybe they'll save the blowing for tomorrow so that they can bother me EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY OF THE WEEK.
  
• I am still pregnant. I receive no fewer then 15 calls a day asking "how I am". I am pregnant. I am very very pregnant. I have nothing to distract me from this very very pregnant status except of course for the lawn crew. I am not comfortable. I am a rotisserie oven flipping from side to side frequently for even baby cooking temperature. And it's hot outside. And it's humid. I'm bored. I suck at being bored. So to recap - I'm very pregnant, very big, it's hot and humid outside and I'm sucktastically bored.
• There is a fly in my house. I'm not sure how he got in but rather then enjoying this fabulous air conditioned vaca from the outside he's flying around and PISSING me off. I have tried to kill him and he simply will not be caught. I would torture him by turning the A/C down if I thought he'd leave but then I'd be even more annoyed and hot with a fly buzzing around. That buzz is so annoying.
• Money is on my brain - I can't be not working for a long time and I feel like I'm wasting this time NOT working - even though I really am using this time to relax and focus on baby cooking. The thing I'm learning about myself is that I have two states of being. One is where I spend time making money and Two is where I spend time spending money. That's it. There is no Third instance where I do nothing - where I neither make nor spend money. I have nothing to do so that of course leads me to look for filling a void - my favorite void filler is shopping which of course is state of being Two which of course does not help my worry over dollars. And there you go.
  
• I have three items left to do on my list of things to do. THREE. They are: Print out the addresses for the baby announcements - I don't have to find the addresses or enter them into a spreadsheet or even format them - I just have to press the Print icon. Write an article about the FH's business. Update my resume. You see now why those three things aren't getting me up in the morning.

I think the lawn crew may be on a break. I'm going outside while they are out of my way. Sorry this post was awful. I figure I'll press publish and say "whatever, I'm very pregnant" considering I tried to write about six different things and this is all that came out.

Shh'ing your negative self talker

There is a voice that lives within my head and she is one mean bitch. She is my negative self talker. She talks to me in a completely imagined way and she never has a single nice thing to say to me. Never. I used to think that this voice could be attributed to a variety of people - it was every negative thing people said to me on rotate....this is the kind of thing that therapists L-O-V-E to hear about. Because they want you to identify WHO is saying WHAT and WHY.

Let's call her Netty. Netty would say things like: you're fat, you're not working hard enough, you could be doing SO much more, you don't deserve a nap - people will pass you, you should be saving more, you shouldn't eat that, you should work out, you should make a plan, you should be accomplishing something, you shouldn't play on the computer, you should comment more, you should write notes to people, you should. Netty is one big "shoulder" she can should you from one side of sane to the other in about five minutes. I would say that out of all the things my Netty said to me I've only heard one or two of those things ever spoken aloud to me by another person....so why was I being so mean to me?

I'm not sure if it's because I am currently gigantic and the only thing on my mind is "When are you coming out?" but Netty has been on vaca. I was driving home from the grocery store today and I was thinking to myself that there was someone that I hadn't heard from so I go through the list of people I converse with and I had in fact talked to all of those people...and then it occurred to me. It was Netty. I had not been hearing her - not listening - she was silenced and it didn't take five years of therapy either. When I realized that she was no longer audible I realized what a freeing silence this was - when was the last time I hadn't heard Netty? And I honestly could not remember. How sad. No wonder I was up at 5am to get a jump on the day, no wonder I use lists to qualify the accomplishment of the day. No freaking wonder.

So my friends (and yeah, I'm not qualifiying you as my blog friends or my internet friends because really - you're just friends to me now and I'm so glad I have you) I'm wondering if this makes me crazy. Do you have a Netty? Have you silenced your negative self talker? or have you never had one to silence? Is there a loop of negative self talk playing in your head today?

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

First things first - the cats in their cat playpen. It's really just a dog pen that the cats don't jump over. They like it. They like the outside time and I like to watch them rotate as they bake in the sun....sometimes I move the pen onto the grass and watch them eat like horses....sometimes I don't feel like the mess that makes and grass stained snouts so they stay on the deck. Either way it was a good use of $40 last year - they love it much and I love not chasing them under the decks.

I'm going out into the world today. I was relatively house bound all three days with the FH keeping a careful eye on my activity level and watching me with the "are you actually still complaining or is this something" face. This face, while I love him and am oh so glad he is home with me, is a look I wish to no longer see. I told him that he'll be the first to know if my complaining has gone from complaining to something and that my focus is on not wishing the little miss out until she is ready.

So yes I'm venturing out. I'm reading a new book about happiness....I'm not sure why the only books that are keeping my attention are either in the Pregnancy/Breast/Baby genre or about being Happy but anything else and I have ZERO interest and it's not the books either, it's me. Can you tell I'm struggling with focus too? Yeah, I figured you were clued in on that small detail. Anyway, I realized last night that one of the reasons why this past week has been tough is about clothing - I didn't want to buy another piece of maternity gear....but the bottom line is this: I'm not someone that's comfy with the belly peeking out and I'm not a girl that tugs on her clothes so they fit. I have one lonely shirt that actually covers the entire expanse of my belly and to be honest I hate the shirt - I only bought it because it was $6. So today I'm going to go to the mall and I'm going to buy a couple more tee shirts that cover the belly. If I'm pregnant for another week then at least I'll have covered the belly and if I have a baby tonight well then I won't be complaining about some extra shirts to pack away in the maternity box.

While out I'm also going to the grocery store, the library and the post office. I'm looking forward to the activy and the after activity nap that I am scheduling in. While I'm out I'll be keeping a tally of the following things:

- Number of neighbors that will say "Any day now?"
- Number of people that ask me how very pregnant am I?
- Number of times I reply with "Very very pregnanct and you?"

Happy Monday for those people that still participate in that whole "work week" schedule thing. As for me I'm on to Saturday number 8.