Two steps forward and one step back

So I got over feeling awful about still being pregnant. I went to get a massage and enjoyed it very much and then I came home and made a white wine spritzer with frozen peaches in it. Very light on the wine because I really would like to have two of them and I figure if it equates to one glass of wine then it will still be just fine. And then the FH called and said he was having serious "issues" with some computer problem and would not be coming home early with Chinese food to enjoy a nice evening with me. I'm disappointed - because I was looking forward to the time together tonight. Oh well.

On to the work portion of this post - can you check my blogroll over there and drop me a comment if I failed to include you? I tried to update for about an hour tonight but I hate to miss anyone so please please please let me know.

No Progress

If you saw a lady sobbing in the parking lot in Westchester today it might have been me. She has made zero progress. ZERO. Zip. Nada. I broke down in front of the doctor. To the point that she hugged me and teared up with me. How pathetic am I? Pretty damn pathetic.

I'm trying to stay positive and happy and not complain too too much but the reality is I'm so done being pregnant it's not funny. I'm not sleeping and I am READY as in I have NOTHING left to do. NOTHING. I'm starting to get really frustrated that I stopped working when I did....not that I had a lot of choice in the matter...but having no purpose all of these days is just really really painful.

We talked about induction and the doctor said that if Lexi was in the "ready" position then she would induce me but the reality is she's not ready and she's healthy and happy and there is no good reason to put my body or her through that if it's really completely unnecessary. I'm not Christina Aguilera after all and I really truly want the best for my baby and without a C-section if at all possible. So no baby.

I'm going back on Monday. If she's in the ready position they will start the Pitocin to get me going. I'm spent though. Completely burned out. Emotional breakdown in full swing. I go to all kinds of irrational places like "maybe she doesn't think I'll be a good mother and that is why she's not coming" and while I know it's completely irrational my rational self left the building.

The doctor actually apologized for ever putting the July 15th date in my head back at week 20. She didn't want me to be unprepared if things happened early based on the growth she saw that day but now the original date of the 25th is looking more like the date so we should look to that date as our new goal. To this I simply say one simple word: fuck.

So I'm looking for some purpose and some things to do. Reading books is challenging because my attention span is basically shot and I'm not at all interested in pretend characters lives no matter how well the narrative is written. Movies aren't really doing it for me either. I'm going out to lunch and then I'm going to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks and brainstorm some purpose building activities to tackle in the upcoming 3 days before my next appointment. Any suggestions?

Top 10 Reasons I'm STILL pregnant

Oh, you've stopped to see if I've had a baby. Well I haven't and frankly I just don't know what the deal is. I'm going to the doctor at 9am today (105 minutes from now) and seeing if we have any progress or if she has a legitimate reason (aside from pending insanity) to take this child out of me by whatever means necessary (is there a consent form for that I've already signed?).

While my back and hip ached this morning from 6am until I finally decided the effort of rolling over to get out of bed was worth it I comprised the following David Letterman Top 10 List style post in my head.

Top 10 Reasons I'm STILL pregnant

10. My daughter is establishing who is boss.
9. So that I can be asked the question "when are you due" more times then any other person on the planet.
8. So that when I respond to the question and people look directly at my "eviction" site (aka crotch) expecting the baby to fall out right then and there I can roll my eyes at least 15 times a day.
7. To establish a solid walking program prior to her being born.
6. My daughter is working to teach me patience. While I commend her effort I think we all know that this is not making me more patient it's making me a bad patient.
5. I don't enjoy spicy foods and this is my punishment. Everyone says have sex, go for long walks, drink blackberry tea, wash your windows, do all the laundry, eat something spicy. Well I've done EVERYTHING else and let me tell you it's NOT working. I don't like spicy but damn it I am eating something red hot spicy today.
4. To increase my blog traffic. I'm staying pregnant so that all of you can look to see if I've had my baby multiple times a day. I hadn't looked at my numbers since I moved over to Blogger and I was all kinds of flattered that people actually care. So thanks for that.
3. I really needed a work vacation so Lexi is really just enabling that. Thoughtful, but seriously ENOUGH.
2. So that my husband finally calls me up and FIRST asks how I feel prior to telling me what he needs/wants/would like me to do for him.
1. I'm afraid of Pitocin. But this may be an opportunity to get over my fear. So what if I itch all over - I'm all about over medicating.

So yeah, I'm going to get pulled over.

Yesterday, pretty pictures, blah blah I'm still freaking pregnant so lets talk about why I'm now a target to get pulled over.

I went to Subway yesterday to get a sandwich for my picnic lunch and as I'm walking in I notice a police car by the store front still running. At first I think "oh jebus another incident at Subway" but then I think "maybe they are just picking up lunch too". So I go in and right away I notice that there are two police officers sitting with nearly finished footlong subs, soups, cookies and a soda. So I get in line and I start to fume about this - here are two police officers in good shape that have parked just outside the store in a no parking zone and they left the car RUNNING while they eat their lunch rather leisuraly. The lady in front of me is ordering subs for her whole damn office and they like EVERYTHING on their subs so I've got plenty of time to stand there and think about the HORROR of this situation.

So I'm basically unaware of when I should shut the hell up. That's clear, right? So I get my sandwich and I walk over to the officers and I say something like the following:

"Officers? Is that your car outside running"
Yes, it is.
"It seems awfully wasteful to have two officers sitting inside enjoying their lunch while leaving their car on....certainly it wouldn't take more then a second to turn your car back on and with the price of gas being what it is I'm sure you'd be more aware of tax payer dollars not to mention the impact on the environment"
ahhhhh, that's just how we do it
"Is it so you can make a quick get away? (shakes heads no) Is it to keep the car cold in this hot weather? (shakes head in a sad pathetic nod) Well perhaps you could start a new trend and do the right thing and turn your cars off while you enjoy lunch (pats tummy) you know for the children (big smile)"

Just a hunch but they totally flipped me off as I walked out of the store and noted my Nissan Rogue's plate number. But you know what? At the time I felt like it really needed to be said.

Incredible Day

This morning I was thinking about how I was still pregnant and about today being the 15th should mean that I should not be pregnant still. I am DUE after all. But then I realized what a beautiful day I could be missing out on by being in a funk - how I could stew inside or at home or at some shopping place or another. OR I could pick a different path. So I had the most amazing day and I thank my little Lexi for giving me the gift of today.

I went to Muscoot Farms and I walked and walked and walked and photographed it like crazy. And then I went to Yorktown and picked up some t-shirts for the FH and stopped at Subway and grabbed lunch to go. And then I went to Lasdon Park and ate lunch and walked and walked and walked some more and also photographed like crazy. And THEN the car drove itself to get sorbet in a waffle cone - crazy, right? And then I came home and went to the pool and floated around and then I started the upload process and because Flickr is difficult it took forever. But it finally did work and now I share with you my favorites of the day. For the full set go here:

She thinks she's hilarious

I totally LOVED everyone's day of baby stories - LOVED. They provided much entertainment and distraction from my very pregnant self so thank you very very much for that.

Lets be random today? Bullets aren't really in order here but random blurbs are.

#1 This child has been on the right side of my body all day - literally the left side of my belly was just a mush of tissue/water that could be pushed in until you reach the bellybutton. It really contributed to the alien look I've been going for so about 20 minutes ago I decided that I should photograph this. I tried to "self take" the photo but that wasn't working so I decided I would get out the tripod that I purchased and have never actually used and get the picture. So I struggle with this for 15 minutes and then as I'm about to set up the timer I feel her move and she moves to be dead center perfect baby position again. She thinks she's hilarious. I kind of agree.

#2 It's completely possible that I will turn into Violet from Willy Wonka because my consumption of blueberries is really out of control. I just can't get enough blueberries. I bought two big packages this morning from Sam's Club and as I was checking out actually thought that I should have considered a third and a forth package as well. Is it possible she will come out blue like a blueberry? Somoene should let me know so I don't freak the hell out.

#3 I've been looking at clothing that I want to purchase once I'm not pregnant. My dear AndreAnna and I started a new little adventure to contain our weight loss successes (that's code for complaining about weight loss) in the Life After Baby she's lucky (hahaaha I say as I pop another powdered sugar munchkin in my mouth) to be on her journey back to pre-baby body. My goal is going to be looking like I like to be looking for our annual Flordia vaca in December - ambitious? Yes. Let's take a look at some of the things I'm lusting after:

The SeaShore Hoodie from Athleta. I'd also like her thighs.
Premium Denim from 7 For All Mankind. I'll take her tush. Please note the lack of maternity panelAnd Finally this dress. That will identify that I do have a waist and also will show off my toned arms from lifting baby and carseats.
Well the mailman just got here and sadly that's the thrill of my day to get the mail so I'm off. If anything happens you'll all be the second to know...the FH was all insistent on me calling him before I Twitter and blog (but because he doesn't Twitter OR read my blog it would be kinda difficult for him to know for sure).

I bought myself a present on Friday - it's a really beautiful silver bracelet with the word BREATHE engraved on it. I love it because it fits on a part of my body that hasn't been morphed into a vehicle to deliver a child - I still have wrists. Everything else is out the window. I also like the message because sometimes I just need a little reminder of this involuntary thing that keeps me going all day long.

We went out to dinner Friday evening and I had the FH's Mom take a photo of us. In my head I thought I would one day say to Lexi that picture was taken the day before she was born...but alas she had other plans and now it will be the picture taken x number of days before she is born. I love the photo because we do look so happy and it also serves as great motivation for the great weightloss event of 2008 that is just around the corner.

She is still not motivated enough to leave the premises which I find both sweet and shocking. It's no longer a comfortable accommodating space - she no longer has the ability to do yoga or a decathlon and yet she wants to stay put - I think that's kind of sweet. I woke up in a real funk this morning and sulked around about still being pregnant until about 2:30 when I took a nap. After the nap I realized that I didn't want to ever say that I was a real bitch the day Lexi was born which got me to thinking:

What did you do the day you (or your spouse) went into labor with your first (and subsequent) child(ren)?